Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your penis caused this!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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