My liver just broke up with me...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
