i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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