I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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