hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
