Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
