this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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