I haven't been this sober since birth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
