I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
