you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
