Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
