yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
