Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
