Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
