You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
