I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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