he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
