I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
