You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
