i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
