I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
