So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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