I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
