I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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