My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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