Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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