i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
