dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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