all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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