I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
