My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
