# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
