i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
