so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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