But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
