How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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