Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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