Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
