guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
