My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
