seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
