I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
