Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
