At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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