My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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