He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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