Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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