my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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