she woke up with a sticky ear
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My pussy is not your playground.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
