did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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